The old way has to go...

Gratitude -

1. New brothers!

2. Being touched, deep in my soul
3. En-courage-ment
4. Texas Hill Country
5. Wes Eades

Jesus said: “You're looking for proof, but you're looking for the wrong kind. All you want is something to titillate your curiosity, satisfy your lust for miracles. The only proof you're going to get is what looks like the absence of proof: Jonah-evidence.” THE MESSAGE – Matt. 12

Over the past week I have experienced the most transforming event of my life.

Now I have begun to look over every aspect of life – my life – and assess my priorities and energy. I am filled with questions and joy like never before. I am excited about life! While I do not doubt past decisions and commitments, God has definitely opened new doors of understanding that continue to rattle old ways of thinking! But it is more than intellectual growth – it is a heart change too.

I was blessed to take part in the Males Rights of Passage (MROP) retreat in the Hill Country of Texas. About 40 men gathered for sharing and study for five days. We only shared first names - no titles or vocations, no passing of business cards... I joined seven men as my 'home group'. We spent an incredible amount of time baring our souls with one another, along with our deepest fears. All sorts of anguish rushed forth. Hopes for the future, along with failures and losses of the past.. Woundedness inflicted not only by our families, but also ridicule and pain perpetuated by our young friends became almost too difficult to bear. We cried together about the pain we too had inflicted on others!

We took part in rituals and teachings. We played drums with abandon. We walked though mud and took long hikes. We started and ended the day with prayer and reflection. We spent over 8 hours in total silence and we also spent this time fasting.

So, what did I learn? What has changed? What did I experience? GOD'S LOVE – deeper and more cleansing than ever before! Jesus loves me, this I know... I learned that I have developed a shell (ego), thinking it would protect me and keep me safe. However, it has only caused more and more pain for me and those I love and become heavier and heavier to carry and maintain.

For way too long I have been a part of a worthiness system when it comes to my faith journey. If I did just the right things, (attend church, contribute money to the poor, be kind to neighbors and strangers, etc...) then I would make God happy with me. He/She was sitting in heaven with a big black book, keeping score. Unfortunately I was rarely, deeply happy. Didn't laugh much and joy was a thing of my past. I had adopted a sick system and the true me was so deeply buried, I couldn't recognize grace, must less accept it as the gift it is!

And yes, I have heard all this before. I have actually preached it. But this time it is different. Something profoundly new is happening deep within me. I may struggle with the words, but the WORD has touched me like never before... And I want to say that while the burden is easy, living out this new truth is hard. I have already allowed too much of this experience to slip away and I have returned to too many of my old ways - but they must die. And that is my new goal and new calling.

In the months ahead I will be sharing bits and pieces of my journey. Not as an exhibit, but as 'one beggar who has found some crumbs and willing to share...'. I invite your feedback and questions along the way.

Lord, thank You for this day. Continue to remove the false self I have been building for so long. May honesty be my goal – with myself and with You! Use me to be graceful toward all. May I forgive as I have been forgiven. AMEN